When Love hits, are we even Aware?
My intuition raised my awareness about how I love to be loved. And about not loving those who don't love me back.
During my 20s, I had a couple of romantic relationships. One was long, the first one where you get to live with the person and learn the joys of domestic life. I loved it!
Then there’s that relationship which changes you forever. Not because it’s some romantic cheesy, all-perfect story, but because you are never the same after. And thank god you never go back to who you were! Otherwise, what do we learn from these failed relationships?
The Fantasy in Relationships
There were three in there: me, him and the idealized couple in my head.
We navigate entire relationships with fantasies in mind. We live off those fantasies and they are what fuels the relationship itself. The wish that things would change, be better, becomes the very basis of the relationship. From this perspective, we live more in the fantasy-relationship in our minds than we do in reality. Because we spend all our time and resources trying to bring the fantasy into reality and we feed off of that wish wanting to come true. But it never does. It’s simply inefficient to spend time in a relationship that only exists in fantasy land.
This guy was everything, like a god to me. It was so unexpected that I’d feel like this because we had been acquaintances for many years. During all those years, I presented a certain image of myself. You know the one - the girl who’s chill, unbothered, has very little needs. The so-called “cool girl". So when I started to have deeper feelings for him, I put all my energy into banishing those feelings and thoughts from inside. But my intuition had already started talking: nudges in my chest, fleeting thoughts that warned me that this guy was not good for me.
The Inner Critic versus Intuition
You should tell him how you feel.
Inside, I imagined a huge conversation: I would declare my desire for a monogamous relationship, that I cared for him, that I wanted to build something. Outside, I maintained a carefree, chill persona. No needs, no expectations. My true needs called out, but I refused to feel them.
My inner critic became the loud voice saying that I did not have a right to ask anything of him. It said “Ioana, you’d be a failure if you, all of a sudden, start becoming that girl - the one who has needs, claims things.” I hated that girl. I truly thought that only losers become soft and start acting all in love. Because, deep inside, I thought that it's shameful to ask to be loved back.
Every day, I was overwhelmed by the constant negative self-talk of my Inner Critic. It told me he would leave me at any moment, that I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t in control. It never occurred to me that maybe I was valuable, maybe I was lovable as I was.
All these voices were driving me insane. Yes, I truly heard voices. I was spending so much time talking myself down, through the inner critic, that I wasn’t eating and was performing poorly at work. My manager at the time saw these physical changes (my body was making a declaration) and asked if I was alright. Even today I cringe remembering how I started crying in my 1to1, asking my manager why this guy didn’t love me like I loved him.
Are you in a relationship like the one I describe? You might wanna do a short feelings audit.
Take a breath and ask yourself the following questions.
1. How do I feel most of the time in this relationship?
Use words, not stories.
Examples: tense, hopeful, small, energized, anxious, calm, unseen, alive.
2. Who do I become around this person?
Notice whether you soften or shrink.
Do you speak freely or do you censor yourself?
3. What parts of me are welcome here? What parts of me am I hiding?
4. If I stopped hoping they would change, what would it mean for me?
Sit with that question longer than is comfortable.
5. What does my body know that my mind keeps pushing away?
Tight chest, shallow breath, constant alertness. Or ease, warmth, steadiness?
After a year of this, it had gotten so bad, that I was literally a shell of my Self. One day, I remember that my inner voice (this time, my intuition) said that it would actually be better to not see him anymore. A feeling of ease came with that thought, but I banished it right away.
You’d feel better if he wasn’t around. You would feel free. It was as if my body was saying these things now, because I could feel the ease that came with the prospect of not having this person in my life. But it also felt crazy to throw this relationship away. I was locked in it.
Wait, I am feeling like this right now. You mean to tell me that I have an option to get out? It feels so strange, so unfamiliar. I wouldn’t know where to start.
Taking the First Step When You Don’t Know Where to Start
When you feel trapped or unsure about ending a relationship, it helps to break the process into small, manageable steps. Try this:
List your options.
Don’t judge them yet. Just write: continue as is, take a break, have a conversation, reduce contact, seek support, leave. Seeing them on paper makes the possibilities tangible.Notice your body’s response.
Read the list from above, how does your body feel? Tight chest, shallow breath, warmth, or ease?Pick one tiny action to do now.
This could be sending a text to a friend, or talking to yourself. Be clear about your raw feelings right now. Speak the words out loud.Reassess and repeat.
After your small action, check in with your feelings. Maybe there’s some relief already. Either way, this awareness guides your next steps. Awareness and intuition are your allies in love.
He left; he fell in love with someone else
And although I could not move or eat for a whole month, I started to feel FREE! I did not have the courage to follow my intuition, but him leaving was a true blessing. In time, I started to feel like myself again and was able to start analysing the relationship from an objective perspective.
Relationships, especially the ones that hurt us, are teachers. They reveal the parts of ourselves we ignore, the fears we carry and the love we are capable of receiving and giving. So if you find yourself trapped in self-doubt and negative talk, read this article again and try and do the two small exercises right now. How does it feel?
