You Think You Know Yourself. You Don't
Tasha Eurich's research shows that 95% of people think they're self-aware. The actual number is closer to 10-15%.
That means most of us are walking around confident we know ourselves when we actually don't.
Quick disclaimer: I'm not a psychologist and neither claim to be an expert on this. I'm someone who reads books, makes notes, forms ideas. The books are out there (not reels, actual books) for all of us to access. For this article, I read Insight by Tasha Eurich.
Why This Matters
When you're not self-aware, you suffer. Not in the dramatic way. In the quiet, daily way. The "I don't know why I keep doing this to myself" way.
You think you know why you took this job. For the money. For career growth. For the impressive title. But you don't actually know. You took it for external validation. You took it because saying no felt unsafe. You took it because everyone else said it was a good opportunity and you didn't trust yourself enough to disagree.
You think you're happy. But you're actually just relieved the anxiety stopped for thirty seconds. You think you're stressed from too much work. But you're actually exhausted from performing instead of being yourself.
So how does it feel to read this? Uncomfortable? Like you want to close this tab and go do something else?
That's the pattern. You feel the discomfort, so you run. You distract yourself. You rationalize it away. You tell yourself a story that feels better.
And that's exactly why you're unhappy. Because you keep running from what you actually know.
So you keep trying to fix the wrong problem. You optimize your schedule when the real issue is that you're saying yes to things your body knows are wrong for you. You work on "boundaries" when the actual problem is you've lost track of what you actually want underneath all the shoulds.
This is the suffering. Not knowing. And then carrying around the knowledge that something's off but not being able to name what.
But Wait - There's Another Layer
Some of you DO hear the nudge.
You feel the discomfort. You sense something's off. Your body contracts when you say yes to that project. Your stomach drops when you think about your relationship.
And you override it with rationality.
"But it makes sense on paper - good salary, impressive title, what I 'should' want."
This is even worse suffering. Because now you're carrying two weights:
The original problem (wrong job, wrong choice, wrong life)
The knowledge that you KNEW and did it anyway
That second one is the real suffering. The self-betrayal.
There's a voice inside you that knows. You hear it. And you ignore it. And then when you do the "rational" thing, the reward is hollow. Relief for thirty seconds. Then nothing.
Why We Do This
There's a moment between impulse and response. That brief space where you actually know what's true before you edit it.
Most people skip right over it. The editing happens so fast you don't even notice.
Or they avoid it entirely. My manicurist told me she can't sleep when her boyfriend travels. She smokes weed because she doesn't want to be alone with her thoughts. A 21-year-old ex-colleague said he always falls asleep with Netflix on for the same reason.
You feel "I don't want to do this."
But before you even finish the thought, your brain has already rewritten it: "I should do this. It's the smart choice. It's what successful people do."
The awareness was there. For half a second. Then gone.
Why?
Because seeing what's actually there is uncomfortable. You might see that you're not happy. You might see that you've been performing for years. You might see that the life you built doesn't actually fit who you are.
So you skip over it. You tell yourself a story that feels better. A story that lets you keep going without having to change anything.
I spent years in sales thinking "what am I even doing this for?"
The question would show up during month-end close when I was drowning. And I'd rationalize it away. "It's just stress. Bad quarter. I just need to push through."
I told myself the problem was that I wasn't performing well enough.
I was wrong.
The problem was I'd been ignoring a voice telling me: I'm done.
My body knew. It showed up as "I want to disappear." As everything that used to work was suddenly not working anymore.
But I didn't trust it. So I kept rationalizing. Until I couldn't anymore.
The voice had been there all along. I just didn't trust it over my rational brain telling me what I "should" do.
That's what awareness is.
Not understanding yourself intellectually. It's feeling what you're feeling before your brain rewrites it into something more acceptable.
It's seeing what's actually there, even when it's uncomfortable, instead of skipping straight to the story that feels better.
It's thinking about your thinking. My friends know me as the person who's always doing this - analyzing how I think about my daily experiences. And it makes them curious about how they think about their thinking too. This is called meta-cognition. The capacity to observe your thoughts.
At my last job, I was surrounded by overachievers who were always "optimizing." Always working on themselves. Always reading the next book, trying the next framework, attending the next workshop.
Something always irked me about it. I couldn't name what it was at first.
Then I realized: they were doing self-development from the outside-in, not the inside-out.
Outside-in = Optimize performance. Achieve more. Fix behaviors. Make yourself better.
Inside-out = Actually see what's there. Feel what you're feeling. Understand what you actually want before you try to change anything.
Most people skip the second one. They go straight to fixing without ever seeing clearly what needs fixing.
That's not awareness. That's more performance. Just dressed up in self-help language.
How to Train Your Awareness
Start simple: replace "Why?" with "What?"
Stop asking "Why am I so anxious?" Start asking "What about this makes me feel this way?"
But more importantly: stop thinking your way to awareness. Feel your way there.
Your body already knows. It's been trying to tell you for months, maybe years.
The question isn't "Do I have awareness?" The question is "Am I listening?"
Here's how to start:
Exercise 1: Think About Your Thinking
Next time you're about to make a decision, pause. Notice the thought.
Don't just think: "I should take this job. It pays well, it's a reputable company, it's a good career move."
Instead, observe: "I notice I'm thinking I should take this job. But when I imagine starting there, my chest tightens. My shoulders tense up. Something feels off."
Then ask: Where's that 'should' coming from?
Is it what I actually want or what looks good to other people?
Is it my voice or someone else's voice in my head?
Am I attached to this thought or just observing it?
Write down the difference between the automatic thought and what you notice when you observe it. Read it and start to be comfortable with what you read. It’s not scary, it’s You.
Exercise 2: Your Emotions Don't Have to Decide
Think of something you've been avoiding because it makes you anxious.
Now ask yourself:
What am I actually afraid of? (Be specific. Not "failure" - what exact thing?)
If I wasn't afraid, what would I do?
Is this anxiety warning me of real danger or is it fear of being imperfect?
Notice the difference between feeling anxious (you can't control that) and letting anxiety decide for you (you can control that).
Try doing the thing anyway. See what happens. Your anxiety might have been lying to you.
Exercise 3: How Does Your Behavior Impact Others?
Think of a recent interaction where you said yes but meant no.
Now put yourself in the other person's shoes:
What did they actually experience when I said yes but didn't mean it?
Did my performing help them or just protect me from discomfort?
What would have happened if I'd been honest instead?
This isn't about guilt. It's about seeing clearly. You can't change patterns you can't see.
What Changes When You Have Awareness
When you actually see yourself clearly, not the story you tell yourself, but what's actually there, everything shifts.
The way you improve your life is to change. Before you can change, you need to make decisions. Awareness sits at the basis of this.
Without awareness, you're making decisions based on stories you've invented about yourself. Stories that feel true but aren't.
With awareness, you see what's actually true. So you can make decisions based on reality, not fiction.
What this actually looks like:
You think about your thinking. You don't just automatically attach to your thoughts. You observe them. "I'm thinking I should take this job" becomes "I notice I'm telling myself I should take this job. Where's that coming from?"
You reflect on how your behavior impacts others. Not to absorb their pain, but to understand it. When you say yes but mean no, you recognize that affects the other person too. When you're performing competence instead of being honest, you see how that changes the relationship. You analyze how your actions affect others, whether positively or negatively.
Your emotions don't dictate your behavior. You can feel anxious without automatically avoiding what scares you. You can feel sad without isolating. You know how to separate long-term goals from short-term emotional states. If you feel anxious about speaking up in a meeting, you don't let that anxiety decide for you. You check: is this anxiety warning me of real danger or is it just fear of being imperfect?
This doesn't mean everything becomes easy
You still have hard conversations. You still make difficult choices. You still feel uncomfortable.
But you stop lying to yourself about what's hard.
You stop pretending you're happy when you're exhausted.
You stop telling yourself the problem is stress management when the actual problem is you've lost yourself.
You stop avoiding the quiet voice that's been trying to guide you for years.
Awareness doesn't fix your life. It shows you what actually needs fixing.
And seeing clearly what's actually wrong instead of what you think is wrong is what improves your quality of life. Because now you can address the real problem. Not the story you've been telling yourself about the problem.
Is This Making You Uncomfortable Right Now?
We all think we're aware. But we're not.
Not because we can't be. We're naturally equipped with awareness. Our bodies send us signals constantly. But we've learned to look away.
Because once you see clearly, you can't unsee.
Once you know you're performing instead of being yourself, you have to decide: keep performing or risk being seen as imperfect.
Once you know you're in the wrong job, you have to decide: stay for safety or leave for alignment.
Once you know you're saying yes to things your body knows are wrong, you have to decide: keep people-pleasing or risk disappointing them.
This is why most people avoid awareness. Not because they can't build it. Because they don't want to face what they'll see.
But here's the thing: you're already suffering. You're already exhausted. You're already performing.
Awareness just makes the suffering conscious instead of vague.
And conscious suffering is better than vague suffering. Because at least when you can name it, you can do something about it.
Try This Now
You've read about awareness. Now practice it.
Pick one exercise. Do it today.
Then notice what you've been avoiding seeing.
Your body already knows. The question is: are you finally ready to listen?
